somethingaboutshawna

 I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anybody?

This movie quote from the coming of age movie by Stephen King has been resonating with me lately. Sometimes things happen in your life that lock you into a playback reel where you relive things over and over. For me, I think it was an accumulation of things. 18 months ago I relocated my family 3000km away from our home. It wasn’t the first time that we had to move away due to circumstances out of our control, but this time things were different. We are all older. My babies are teenagers this time. They are experiencing different struggles and have more on their minds then getting out of those pesky wet diapers. Although the move was initially exciting and adventurous, now that we are settled in and the glimmer has gone away, it is mostly just lonely. I’m not a super outgoing person, but I enjoy social activities with friends and impromptu movie nights. I miss not having my Tribe to help me work through my parenting fails. I see the pain most prominently in the tears of my 15 year old daughter who has struggled excessively this year with mean girls and rumours. I know that it is a part of growing up, and I went through it as well- but why can’t we all just get along? Why do people have to be so cruel? Why are teenagers so judgy?

A year before we left, one of my best friends from school passed away. Growing up there were 3 of us, Cindy, Rochelle and me. We met in kindergarten and stuck together until Graduation. Of course we had other friends, but at the end of the day it was all about us. We lived at each others houses and did basically everything together. If you saw one of us, chances are that the other 2 were not far behind. We laughed all day and into the night. We created stories about our lives and what we would be like as adults. We dressed up in Rochelle’s sister’s clothes while dancing to Prince and Fleetwood Mac. Life was simple.

After graduation we started to drift apart as we set out to find our places in life. The last time I saw Rochelle, my now 17 year old was a baby. I went over to her house and her daughters ran around excitedly showing me their dolls and toys. I could tell that something was off and that something was wrong- but I felt like the years of distance were preventing me from commenting on it. After all, my strong friend had been through much already and would undoubtedly come out on top. We spoke on the phone a few times, always making plans to meet up but we never did. Cindy and I fared a bit better with regular birthday dinners and celebrations over the years. When Cindy called me to tell me of Rochelle’s passing I was in shock. Numb. How could this be? I felt guilty for not making more of an effort to stay in touch. I felt guilty for not being a better friend. Hindsight is always 20/20 and to be honest, she had unfriended me on Facebook numerous times over the years…. I just kept sending friend requests, not willing to give up with all of our history.

I mentioned our annual birthday dinners. It’s funny how those dates from your childhood never fade from your memory. January 23, September 13 and October 9. Dates that I will always remember. Dates that each year for at least 10 years I had a birthday to celebrate. When we are young, birthdays are exciting and fun. On each of those dates I thing about my young besties and I see us as we were. Choking on the money baked into a cake, watching Ghostbusters in a theatre, or running around a dark basement with a pillowcase over our heads. This January 23rd Cindy and I were lost in our thoughts of what could have been. What SHOULD have been. Rochelle was so young and had so much to offer her children and the world. Rochelle’s oldest daughter just had a baby. She would have been so proud, and probably the coolest grandmother on the block… and she would have been so mad at us for calling her Granny. The cycle of life continues and she will never be forgotten.

Friendships are important. Friendships mould us and carve us into the people that we are today. We examine parts of ourselves that we may not otherwise do, because of them. When I was in my 20s I had a very smart friend who one day exclaimed that our friendships in our youth are based on where our parents purchase real estate and our friendships in adulthood are based on more substance and critical evaluation. Yes, Cindy, Rochelle and I lived in the same neighbourhood, but so did many other kids. Our friendship has lasted for decades based on more than just market value. I believe that people come Into your life for a reason. I believe that there is a divine intervention at work when we select the individuals to do our lives with. I believe that I will find my way home again and that when I do, my friends, both new and old will be there waiting for me- in body and spirit.

How does one write a motivational blog on health and fitness when that one has hit rock bottom… or at least every time she thought she had hit rock bottom, she discovered that it can always be worse.  My life had been spinning out of control for the last few years. I had suffered a number of losses, both through death and through the end of important relationships. I was sad. I was low. I wasn’t feeling very motivational…. but I kept plugging along. Pretending everything was ok and hoping for the best.

The thing is… grief is paralyzing. Grief sneaks up on you in the middle of the night and you wake up crying and shaking and unable to fall back asleep- and you don’t even know why.  There is no time limit for grief… and when you suffer multiple losses and traumas in a row- your brain cannot possibly process everything… so one day you are at your daughter’s cheer competition, and her friends are looking at you uncomfortably saying “Please stop crying Piper’s mom..”  And you recognize that your sadness is impacting others…

I’ve learned a lot in the past few years. I thought that as a way to celebrate my journey back into the light, I would share a couple of them with you.

So here are my top 10 life lessons…

10- Running is always the answer. If you are sad, mad, confused, disillusioned, anxious, nervous, scared… whatever… go for a run. Get outside. You will feel better.

9- Sleep is important. Without it, you will drive yourself crazy. Do whatever it takes to get your sleep. WHATEVER it takes.

8- Not all relationships are meant to be. Even the ones you have romanticized about your entire life… Some people are meant to come in and out of your life without a life long residency, and that is ok. You have to bless and release. Hold no grudges and be thankful for the happy times.

7- No one owes you anything. YOU are responsible for YOU. No one else is to blame for your choices, good or bad. Take ownership and be who you want to be instead of blaming others for who you aren’t. That’s just lame.

6- Dogs make the best listeners. They don’t judge your crazy talk. They don’t tell you that what you want to do is illegal- they just listen, support and love unconditionally. Have a dog. Have 3.

5- Teenage girls are hard. Everyone always says that they are- and then all of a sudden you have one- who is just like you, pulling the same garbage that you pulled, only this time the risk is much higher… because it isn’t you- it’s your perfect, delicate baby girl. No you can’t go to a party with boys… that’s insane!!! Ugh… Give me strength.                      Love and understand them as much as you can.

4- When someone has suffered the loss of someone close to them, don’t ask them if they need anything. Go over and do a load of laundry. Take their children on an outing so that they can sleep (#9) Bring them a pot of chili… anything.. but don’t ask, they aren’t going to tell you.

3- Don’t kick your friends when they are down. That’s an asshole move that doesn’t deserve to be forgiven. If you can’t recognize when someone is struggling, then you probably don’t deserve to be in their life in the first place- but being a dick is super uncool and speaks very loudly to who YOU are… always be kind. You don’t know what battle is being fought.

2- The sun will rise again. You may feel like you have been pulled down so low that you will never see the sun again- but you will. And when you do- you will be stronger than you were before. You will be more focused, you will be more glamorous- and your jeans will still fit like a glove. You are strong. You are beautiful and you are loved.

1- Don’t let anyone rush you- but don’t be afraid to ask for help. Having someone super smart to talk to is essential. You can’t keep it bottled up, you need to talk things through- and there is no shame in that. You are making yourself better which will in turn, make those around you better. Take your time, but work through it. It’s not your fault and you will survive. Journal, read, take long baths, meditate… love yourself.

I hope this helps- and I am excited to share some pretty amazing news with you in the upcoming weeks. Change has been in the air and Something about Shawna is evolving- I can’t wait to share it with you. Things are looking way up!

It has been 2 months since I last wrote. I have thought about writing almost every single day. I have thought about topics that I want to write about- I’ve written complete blog posts in my head, but they have never made it to my keyboard. I am here now, and I am going to write something fantastic… so lets get started.

At the beginning of September I went to a retreat in Vermont.  As a fairly introverted person, I started to feel nauseous and an overwhelming feeling of anxiety as the date came closer. I am really quite fantastic one-on-one, but throw me into a group and I want to completely disappear.   All of the women were fantastic. The food was to die for, and although I was really unimpressed with the strict “No Alcohol” policy, I survived and have been able to get along with much less Malbec since going. A break with my rich red friend, was exactly what I needed. I had hoped to find the peace that I needed so desperately after the passing of my dad- and I think I may have. I found that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok for me to miss him everyday. It’s ok that I can appear to be perfectly fine one minute and completely inconsolable the next. He was my dad for 41 years. You don’t recover from a loss of that magnitude in a short amount of time.  It takes a while. I’m going to miss him for as long as I am alive. That will never go away. The question for me was, how do I move on? How do I go forward from here?  We did a few exercises which involved us thinking about where we wanted to be in 5 years… 10 years..? People actually have answers for that. Honestly, I just wanted to get through the day…. Such a hard question. I really admire people who have a clear vision for themselves. Here I am 6 weeks later and  I still (for the most part) just want to get through the day.

I have been running!!! YES!!! Progress!!! Pretty much exclusively on the treadmill in front of Netflix. (Bate’s Motel is really good!) It’s funny how taking, what you think is a short period of time off, can make you feel like you are starting all over again from the beginning. It’s also funny how I feel the effects of running on a treadmill in my lower back much more than I used to. Ugh. I need to get my butt outside, but I am afraid… you see… it’s cold out there.  As someone who has run quite a bit in the arctic (more than I EVER wanted to in fact), I know that getting out the door is the hardest part. I really just need to set my mind to it and go. OK. I will. This week. My dogs will really appreciate it.

I’m starting to look at other races to supplement the training for my goal race. That is key. By doing that, I am assuring myself that if something disastrous happens (which we have already decided will NOT happen) than I will at least have the distances from the secondary races. There are just so many good races out there… it is really hard to pick.

Talk soon!

If you have ever run in a race, then you are aware of how much pain and preparation can go into something like that. From a 5K to a marathon, you will invest some level of blood sweat and tears. Whether your prep is physical, mental or both- you do it.

I agreed to do this specific race last year… At the finish line after we completed it for the first time.  *The Blackspur Ultra*  There is something special about doing a team relay. The feelings of camaraderie and belonging to something ‘greater’…. whatever that may be, can be very hypnotic… along with the fuzziness of being up and exhausted for 24 hours… that may have also played a role.

The team registered early in 2016- and for those of you who have followed me for a while, you might remember that in December 2015, my doctor found a ‘mass’ on my parathyroid. It took a while to sort out, but by changing my nutrition and adding a few supplements, my naturopath was able to get my symptoms under control while I went from doctor to doctor trying to sort out what we were going to do with it. (currently awaiting surgery) I was able to start exercising again without feeling exhausted- and I even started teaching group exercise classes.  My training schedule had me ramping up my distance in Mid-June and I would undoubtedly be in the best shape of my life come August. No problem.

End of June… My dad is taken by ambulance to the hospital. He is there for 2 weeks, which means I am there for 2 weeks and then without warning he is gone. I don’t want to really get into it too much right now- I’m sure you will hear all about it- but for now, lets just say that the pain of losing a parent, or anyone that you are close to, is completely paralyzing. (Back up a few weeks in June, and one of my very best friends throughout school- I’m talking all the way from Kindergarten to grade 12 Grad- passed away under very sad circumstances) I was devastated. Crippled… Full on ugly scream crying in the shower kind of sad. There was no running. Not much standing actually.

Fast forward to this past weekend. 100K run, 6 of us. My leg of the race is about 19K. In the mountains. Easy right? That’s what I told myself in the days leading up to the event. I will survive. I will get through it. Sadly- this is not the first event that I have gone to, not completely on  top of my game.  Yup. I have faked my way through farther distances. I once ran a marathon with only a 16K run under my belt, 2 months before the race.             Not smart. I promised myself that I would be smarter. I had planned on being smarter. It just didn’t work out for me this year.

So there I stood in my exhausted, fuzzy splendour after 20 hours of racing and team support- feeling all hypnotized and special… agreeing to run the full 50K next summer.  Yes, I have run 50K before… more than once even.  At the time it seemed perfectly reasonable. As the feeling is starting to return to my legs, I am questioning my decision.     I will be a full year older.  I will definitely want to be well trained. You don’t want to fake a 50K mountain run.  I might as well throw my elusive marathon #10 into my 2017 plans if I am going to be training for a 50 anyway… right?

Let’s see what kind of magic we can manifest over the next 363 days….